She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize