i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
