He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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