long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
