chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
