i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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