is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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