Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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