OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
