Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
