I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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