how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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