Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
