Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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