well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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