Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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