well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
