Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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