We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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