Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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