Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
