I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
