Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
