Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize