She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
