Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
