Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize