Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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