$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
that may or may not have been my penis.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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