He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
