I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
