p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize