Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
