Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize