My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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