I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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