Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
