May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
