JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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