Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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