fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize