why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
