just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
