dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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