I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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