I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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