so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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