You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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