Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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