I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
