Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
