peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
