What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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