We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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