I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
