Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
well you can't waste a boner
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
