You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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