dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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