Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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