even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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