Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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