Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
