Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
