Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
