The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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