I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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