I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You dont lie about slip and slides
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
