I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
