I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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