last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So many bounce houses so little time
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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