My hand turned me down
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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