No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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