im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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