I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
