Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Randomize
